i just felt abit lost tonight. ive never had a desire to fit in, or be part of a massive group or have everyone wantin to talk to me. no-ones really like that. i mean, most people love chatting to me and having a larrrf and sayin hello. but i suppose, like i do, most people will gravitate towards their friends. but im kind of getting to the point where i just wanna talk to them and just be like HAI. even though we've never spoken before, why cant we now. and just chat to whoever and build on it. but i just dont have alot to say hahahahahahahah. well i would but no-one seems to wanna just lazyly chat to me about any ole shite. and i just felt like i was looking in. like you're somewhere, and you;re there, and you're part of it, but half of you feels like you're looking in. and usually im all up for just not caring what people think and im not particulary self concious and i'll just dance and w.e but i've never really felt like that, like just totally out of touch. like ive made no real impact on anyone, like no-one after 5 yrs seems to want to sidle up and talk to me. maybe i should of made more of an effort. it didnt bother me THAT much. just a little. and then i kind of just over think it all, and dream up 'dream' scenarios, which of course, NEVER happen. and then you laugh about it. but just once it would be nice. and then you're surrounded by these girls and they're all stunning and lovely and they seem to have it sorted, i mean, of course they dont. and i get looks and stares and glances and its nice but no-one wants to sidle up and talk and just get to know moi hahahaha. i stand on my own, which is like a major hint but i duno. but i kind of half spoke to him this evening for the first time in the best part of 4 years. so thats an improvement, instead of just gazing at him we actualy spoke./ but thats utterly pointless because he isnt interested. i dont know what he is interested in. what are any of them interested in? i mean they talk absoloute shite to you online, oh yeh it would be fuckin lovely and then they cant even talk to you, to your face. maybe its me? i could be just totally unapproachable. i mean i am different, im not like other girls who look the same and will just laugh at anything you say because its what you're supposed to do. but i dunno. maybe i just radiate independence and they dont like it. that i have my own personailty. i suppose its not that easy to tap into. and its so pathetic. and i know what i want, and i want it. but its a bloody dream world and it just wont happen. hahahahaahahhaha but why cant one of em just buy me a drink or talk to me or something instead of just gazing at me from across the room. why cant they just have some balls..