I got so drunk I skipped church, I skipped class, I forgot my friends, my family, I drove up to the mountains. I forgot myself among the Lotus-Eaters. I forgot the journey home. I just drove from summit to summit across the Utah Valley, wanting so badly to become fulfilled.

spot on my top lip

OW. fricks sake. no make up sunday dont make no diff er renceeee.

i miss not fancying anyoneeee. missing that feeling in my stomach.
its so strange how things come and go. i used to talk to him every night and now not at all. and now, whats even stranger, is the fact that i just dont care

you get to a point when you're just past it. you dont think about it at all. im glad really

the rattlesnake said, 'i wish i was hands so i could hug you like a man'

we're back at school. its year 11 everything is work. i expected that and im not bothered, anything thats gonna help me to get up and out and with new faces can only be a brilliant thing.
feeling so 'meh' at the moment. as if somethings missing, even though i know when i look at everything that makes my life at the moment nothing clearly is. i just feel like arghhh like theres a hole. i feel like im on the outside looking in at everything around me.
its not the same as not 'fitting in' - thats boring anyway. its just strange.
i think everyone just goes through dips, its bound to happen, it has happend. probably just a dip at the moment.
i just wisssssssssh there was someone who made me instantly happy when i saw them,as if NOTHING matters but them. that they are here. just someone to text, call, write to. hug. w/evssssss.
everyone my age ffs so fucking annoying. facebook and msn and people people people
but no-one i want to talk to. all these people and no-one i could talk to all night about anything

this sounds like im feeling utterly and pathetically sorry for myself. eurghhhhhhh. nvmm.

school is going in a daze. the days go like.. like poof. gone. i get to school then what feels like 10 mineuts later im on the bus home. i hate that so much, things just going, whos pulling them away? whats making them go so fast? like babies, one mineut they're tiny, innoccent, big beautiful eyes. the next time you look they've grown up. i've never understood how parents adjust to that, how do they learn to let go? that alone makes me admire mothers.

i never got last years year 11, why they hated school so much. now i fully understand. just fricking people all day. and after you've gone home you dont feel like you've achieved anything. you've just sat and taken in and then you're splutterd out and then the next day it repeats all over again. nothing exciting or good or nice.

however weird it sounds, i wish that sometimes i didnt have any friends, like i was a complete loner. then i wouldnt have to talk to anyone. i'd just be armed with a book and earphones and that would be that. yeh, it would be difficult in other areas, but sometimes i just wish i could cut myself off without thinking that maybe i should really be making some effort with someone, somewhere.
i was at my nannas the other day with my mum and we were all sat in her lounge and we were all just in our own heads. there was no conversation. and my nanna said 'its nice isnt it? when you dont feel like you have to talk to someone'

its like that with my best friend,. we dont need to talk. on the bus home neither of us wants to talk. its nice, not having the pressure of making conversation.

i cantt stop listening to bon iver.

now i have to go and remove layers and layers of mascara from my eyelashes before i set my alarm for 7.00 and repeat today again tomorow. nontheless with better lessons.
english, science, history, art, music

octobers vogue and bed. XXXX

cretins and photography

today i had to sit in a large room doing nothing for an 1 hour. to the left of me was a group of girls who thought that 'african' people sew hair onto their scalps. to the right of me was a girl who wanted to take a picture of another girls camel toe, and to poke her tit whilst she had her eyes closed - 'relaxing'

oh my kinn sweet lord.
i was so distraught that i had to share the same air as these people. thats school for you. a day rubbing shoulders with the common peasants of the world.

at the moment i seriously dont understand why everyone whos just started college thinks their the next Tim Walker/Mario Testino. photography photography photography
everyone can take pretty pictures sweetheart, we dont need to take it as an a level.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAA

at the moment i cannot stop listening to Arab Straps 'the first big weekend'
puuuure genius. spotify it beaaatch

its nearly the weekend, its nearly the weekend. im bombing it to leeds for 10 mins to buy the most beautiful coat in the world. fur coat AT LASTT.
i've wanted one for so long

'we went up to the pub around ten. it was busy for a sunday night, lots of people i know including my ex girlfriend. who i still think is quite attractive frankly but i didnt really speak to her. shes probably still a bitch anyway.
i didnt really sleep well that night, thanks to some relatively disturbing nightmares. matthew said i should cut down on the cheese'

day old day old day old day old day old day old blues

dms fo lifeys

I don't care what nobody says, no
I'm going to be her lover
Always mad and usually drunk
But I love her like no other


i love this alot
knocked up kol

'oh let them eat cake'

cold for...

7 days and counting...
cough cough cough cough cough cough

summer 09 izz over. its been nice, in ways. alot has changed for alot of people, not that much has changed for me personally. WINTERRRR! at last
went to leeds today. vairr vairr exciting, boots and hats and coats
the most wonderful coat in the world for £25 (((((:
SCORE.
think this winter will be lavvly. its just so much better than summer.
summer is good for salads and eating outside, nice flowers/garden, legs, ice cream, ice cream.... errrrr... not getting dark untill 10ish
err. errr.
sorry i'm stumped
there isnt a whole lot for me. the fashion is nice. floaty 50s dresses and sxiii sunglasses and highwaisted shorts
and i cant wear any of those....
hahahahahaaaa.

and winnnterrrr mmmmm LUSHHH. frosty mornings, thick tights chunky boots, scarfs hats mittens, COATSS! hot chocolate, soup in a flask @ school, school in winter omgzzzzz - hilarious! and the sky, bike riding, church is magical - christmas, christmas mass. the real coal fire in my lounge, marriannes untill 8 o clock, getting home when its dark and lazying infront of the tv, sunday lunches with my nannaaa, longg cold walks, red lips, massive jumpers and cardis, stew and dumplings

summer simply cannot compete.

in october i'm going down to london with my darling mummy to see the auguste renior exhibition. one of my favourite portrait artisits <33333 the hotel does the best breakfasts ever! and there is a pattesierie around the corner from it with the best pastrys and coffee (L)
i cant wait untill christmas either, shopping for and wrapping up the presents for all the beautiful people in my life.

bye bye summer 0999999 XXXXXXXXX

pee. ess is it me or is the youth of today (some of the youth of today haha) getting thicker and thicker. naiver and naiver, just hearing what you want to hear isn't going to help you at all monkey socks

armed with a book. a paper - never know when he'll be caught out
a single chair, a wait between courses
always a main, never a starter
and a coffee

his daughters left their home
uni and teaching
they're grown
its a world away from what it was the photographs make his heart ache

and they are beautiful just like their mother used to be
still is. before it all went so wrong

his son moved away
Australia. another place
the oils doing well he said
Dad, its doing well
he'll get married in the fall
he'll be as proud
as the punch he threw in his face when he left his mother

the wedding, he'll go. invited but not included.
he'll stand away and smile with bitter sweet tears

and they are beautiful just like their mother used to be
still is. before it all went so wrong

the deal wasn't ment to do this
the promotion, the car
black, company and suits of silk
hand shakes of promise 'you've worked hard sir. you've worked hard'

they're beautiful just like their mother is
he tried his best but it wasn't enough
he tried his best
he tried his best
but it wasn't enough.