the rattlesnake said, 'i wish i was hands so i could hug you like a man'

we're back at school. its year 11 everything is work. i expected that and im not bothered, anything thats gonna help me to get up and out and with new faces can only be a brilliant thing.
feeling so 'meh' at the moment. as if somethings missing, even though i know when i look at everything that makes my life at the moment nothing clearly is. i just feel like arghhh like theres a hole. i feel like im on the outside looking in at everything around me.
its not the same as not 'fitting in' - thats boring anyway. its just strange.
i think everyone just goes through dips, its bound to happen, it has happend. probably just a dip at the moment.
i just wisssssssssh there was someone who made me instantly happy when i saw them,as if NOTHING matters but them. that they are here. just someone to text, call, write to. hug. w/evssssss.
everyone my age ffs so fucking annoying. facebook and msn and people people people
but no-one i want to talk to. all these people and no-one i could talk to all night about anything

this sounds like im feeling utterly and pathetically sorry for myself. eurghhhhhhh. nvmm.

school is going in a daze. the days go like.. like poof. gone. i get to school then what feels like 10 mineuts later im on the bus home. i hate that so much, things just going, whos pulling them away? whats making them go so fast? like babies, one mineut they're tiny, innoccent, big beautiful eyes. the next time you look they've grown up. i've never understood how parents adjust to that, how do they learn to let go? that alone makes me admire mothers.

i never got last years year 11, why they hated school so much. now i fully understand. just fricking people all day. and after you've gone home you dont feel like you've achieved anything. you've just sat and taken in and then you're splutterd out and then the next day it repeats all over again. nothing exciting or good or nice.

however weird it sounds, i wish that sometimes i didnt have any friends, like i was a complete loner. then i wouldnt have to talk to anyone. i'd just be armed with a book and earphones and that would be that. yeh, it would be difficult in other areas, but sometimes i just wish i could cut myself off without thinking that maybe i should really be making some effort with someone, somewhere.
i was at my nannas the other day with my mum and we were all sat in her lounge and we were all just in our own heads. there was no conversation. and my nanna said 'its nice isnt it? when you dont feel like you have to talk to someone'

its like that with my best friend,. we dont need to talk. on the bus home neither of us wants to talk. its nice, not having the pressure of making conversation.

i cantt stop listening to bon iver.

now i have to go and remove layers and layers of mascara from my eyelashes before i set my alarm for 7.00 and repeat today again tomorow. nontheless with better lessons.
english, science, history, art, music

octobers vogue and bed. XXXX