saturday night, skins & short shorts

woaaa, watched the last few episodes of skins second series (i luv you 40d, making saturday nights in bareable) and am currently descending into mooooooood of doooooooom. passion pit is on though so now ok.
i've found that occasionally putting some things to the back of ones mind and 'forgetting' about them until they arise again is a good idea. like decisions. decisions, yeah, no-one likes making them. making decisions, big ones i mean, not if you should get out of bed now or wait 20 mins ladidaaaa, BIG DECISIONSSSS like which college to go to and what i want as a job bluerghhh, 'like yeaaah dude, live in the moment, who cares about the future?' well yuh, but you have to have some idea, else, what's the point? dont want a wasted life now do we .....

this seems all vairr intense for a saturday night, and yeah, i'm only 15 but its year 11 now. FRICKING YR 11! thats another thing, where the hell did high school go?!
thats not long, take out all the weeks off for revisions and exceteraa exceteraaa and theres probably only about 5 months at school. its all change from there, allllll change. after college its university, well probably not straight away, i plan on actually seeing some sights and DOING SOMETHING, before its back into mainstream 'do it this way' education.
the thing is, i have a pretty good idea how i DONT want to end up. and i do know, well some areas of it, how i do want to be. but how do you know you'll get what you want? thats the scary side of it all. it aint all plain sailing, it just goes that way. but what you can do, i suppose, is work bloody hard, atleast then you know you've attempted it.

well you'll either want to down a bottle of vodka in an empty field and get absoloutely 'OFF YA FAAACE' or you'll be like 'yeeeeeh, sorted' or whatever

its tha summer holidays babyyyyyyyyyyyy. yemonn, at the beginning i wrote a list of all the things i wanted to achieve. i dont like wasting time you see, time is precious, and thats the truth of it. so goals are good (:
so i've read 'of mice and men' english littttt OH 10 - bringg it pinder
i've not really slept in. apparently we spend 26 years of our lives sleeping. thats more than enough righttt. and mornings are wonderful, everythings fresh and new. the air is FRESHHH. this morning my brother was catching the train down to dorset so i got up at 7.30 to say goodbye. and the air was fresh. like in winter, i cant wait for winter. just for the frosty mornings filling the lungs with newness. not that much beats it.
this summer i have sat back and realised. other people can do what they want. i cant control it. its up to them, its their life. im in it or im not. but what i can control, is what i do, because i am in my life! revelations.... hahahahaaha.
its scary really to think how much we get caught up in others peoples lives, sometimes, it seems as if everything becomes about them. thats why i'm not interested in attraction. i dislike who i become when i get caught up in that. when it becomes complicated, EVERYTHING and ev urr eee thingggg, becomes about them.
'what did they think about that?' 'will they be annoyed if i say that to them?' 'what did they do today?' 'what is he saying to her?' 'what does he really think about that? ME even?'
i mean, for fucks sake, its boring.

i'd rather fill my head with interesting things about me. hahahahahahahahahaahahhaahahha.
the skyyy the skyyy the skyyyyy.
i bloody love the sky. i want a polaroid camera so i can take a picture of the sky everyday and save it. because its ever changing. i'd date every photo, and write what i was doing the precise moment i took it, who i was with, where i was, what time it was, what day, how i felt. because i hate how we cant remember exactly what we were doing two hours and 45 seconds ago. its history, poooooof, gone. and you cant remember.
i mean, its amazing how we can remember other key moments, snatches of conversations, actions, lights, scents.
everytime i smell my mums barbour leather coat i just feel like a 5 year old again, and shes hugging me in the garden.
i love how listening to a particular part of a song can bring back a feeling inside, its almost like you've been taken back in a machine to that split second.
in year 8 all i did was listen to fall out boy, and i can play a track, and depending on if i am really listening, im just back. there. on the maths corridoor and my stomach is knotted up with that excited feeling of his eyes.
so yeah, thats fabulous.
but i'd like to keep a log. so that when im much, much older, i can just look through scrap book after scrap book, shoe box after shoe box and remember it all. i'd hate to think that i'd forget peoples names, and faces and moments in time.

so that would be lovely.
bliiiiiimey i've rattled on. its never just flowed out of me like this before.
night sweetheart
xxxxxxxxxx