"I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life."

- The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

"my gripe is that a lot of young girls aspire to be super sexy and i don’t see why. what is attractive or alluring is not necessarily how much flesh you bare, but how good your brain is, or how much charm you have. fake tan, fake tits - this porn thing has become embedded in our culture. it’s a shame. maybe it’s because i’m a country girl, but i hate it when women only dress for men. i think it’s more exciting to reveal less. maybe wear layers of smocks and then have super-sexy underwear on. dress like a pilgrim on the outside and a whore underneath."

- alexa chung.




what a dick

people i like...

front man of mumford & sons
forgive my ignorance, i dont know his name
he just looks like a totally sound guy. the type that you could sit in a pub with untill last orders talking about everything and nothing. then walk around town for ages, then he'd walk you home and kiss you on the cheek. and i bet hes not all 'ooo im so intelligent and deeeEEep and mysterious and im not gonna tell you my true feelings' - i bet he's honest and i bet you feel completely on the same level as him. i bet he is also hilarious and i bet he always looks right at you when he speaks. i realise i have just made this up from watching him on tv. but it has been a long time since i have watched a band perform live and seen a frontman as sensitive and as completely consumed by what hes doing as him. i just wanna grab him and give him a massive smack on the lips.

people i dont like...

ALEXA CHUNG

whats so amazingly original and trend setting as just wearing boring ole skinny jeans and bretton stripes and 'messy hair' and tights and fucking ballet pumps (pure hatred for ballet pumps) and baggy tops that hang off protruding collar bones and shoulder blades and trench coats and fucking knee socks. EURGH KNEE SOCKS.
basicly its just boring clothes hanging off a boring stick of a figure. when she wore those chanel clogs i honestly dont know how her legs didnt just snap. she shoulda gone over on them HAHAHAHA. pain. and her voice.... i can't even describe how annoying.. sorry just totally fail to see it. lovin every teenage girl who shops at topshop and likes vinyl and has a fringe and listens to arctic monkeys and worships chung n turners relationship and wants a swallow tattoo and goes to latitude and puts brown eyeliner on their 'searching' eyes ...

its one of those nights where i've got that intense feeling that everyone else is doing something brilliant, having the time of their life and i'm the only one who is at home, watching gardeners world (for real), and generally just utterly and completely missing out. i take it all back, i really really fucking wish i was a leeds fest, with everyone else. i suppose people just sort themselves out don't they. maybe i should start. next summer is going to be the best ever, there will be no night stuck in.

down down downd ow n

i need to:
-remember every time i put something in my mouth that i really dont need to eat that im trying to kin loose weight. WHY do i need to love food so much
-try planning - save money and dont spend it on bits of shit from charity shops that dont go with any item of clothing thats already in my wardrobe - resulting in me having NOTHING to wear
- actually spend money on stuff i want - like albums i've been wanting for what seems like years and concert tickets and going out. not stuff i cant even remember
- attempt to make myself more attractive- actually bother to do nails and moisturise and look after hair.i find all of the above so tedious and boring but look like a hobo 70% of the time so maybe it needs a try
- be a girl
- not wish i was a boy
- stop trying to convince my self that the grungey look is 'sxi' - i dont think thats working out for me
- generally just sort myself out. hopefully college will help with this , less time = more organisation needed

feel like i'm only just keeping my head above the water at the moment

evening of...

16th august

started work this week for the first time, going to be working at my dads buisness up untill thursday. so im out of the house at 8.00 and home at 6ish. its only been day one but i honestly like the feeling of being out and doing something - coming home feels as if i am actually 'coming home' and because its later, i have less of an evening so therefore its way more important how i fill the time.
there are about 2 and half weeks of summer 2010 left and i havent done half the things i should of. but theres still 2 and half weeks so i better make something of it.
i think sometimes when you get bogged down in stuff and you hate what you're doing but you're so damn whittled down and lazy brained, by the exact thing you're hating doing, it just becomes too much extra effort to think of an alternative. even though really, its no effort at all. its strange, its just like splitting up you're brain and coaxing yourself out of something, gently. once you actually do though, and put your foot down and say fuck no am i spending another 3 hours of my night loosing my head to nothingness you feel way better again
so i will not be loosing my head to nothingness for the next 2 and a half weeks oh on sirrr.
the internet should be a last resort - something to go to when theres actually nothing else to do, instead it seems to be the first port of call. i'd like a real life please not a virtual one.
after work i had a bit of a tokyo police club marathon - always forget to listen to that beauttttt band, then got on my bike and cycled down to the country park behind my house. at about 8.15 so dusk was just starting up. its so quiet. played my piano for an hour or so when i got back. beginning to learn 'here comes the sun' by nina simone - should help with my sight reading which is actually disgusting. grade 8 piano is looking a long way off right now. gonna go read 1984 in bed then sleep. i cant even remember the last time i read before i went to sleep. or wrote even. cos this fuckin laptop has been in my room. arghghghg. god i can't wait for some headspace

ah frank sinatra, nina simone and barry white before bed. a warm night on a moonlit balcony and a long black dress and a gentleman in a hat and tails smoking cigars and drinking champagne
i've got you under my skin.....

its almost 12. im tired. rant

leeds fest is actually shite. £180+ to stand in a field with complete pricks suppin a cup o warm beer thats cost the equivelant of a 3 course meal BACK IN THE REAL WORLD plus squattin down on grass in a row to piss, shit bands, fuck all to do but get 'off ya face' (if i have to be under the influence of alcohol anywhere for it to actually be enjoyable then plz tell me what the actual fuck is the point in going?!!?) topshop whores EVERYWHERE. never seen so many kin headbands and leggins., the constant stench of piss and vinegar (stale piss). fucking NO WHERE to sit down . resulting in you feeling as if you've walked to kin africa and back. no decent bands come on untill about 7 and by that time no one gives a fuck - cant get near the stage anyway unless you want to actually be crushed. you look shit, actually shit. but every other girl looks pRopA lUsHh in their vintage n lyk red lippy n perfect makeup. like you could be arsed to bother with looking good when you're living in rubbish. but your supposed to and if you dont you feel like killin ursen.
its roughly about £8.00 for a pulp of some form of meat in bread and a drink. sorry, £8.00?!? for real? fuck that
apparently ppl like burn your tent down on last night COS ITS PROPA FUNNEHHHH!
go on waltzers cos ur bored, hollyoaks cast are on. ur breathing the same air as them... depressing.
never again. so practicly everyone on fb FUCKING STFU ABOUT IT. soz that its the highlight of ur life and everything. you're not like some god because you're going to leeds fest. fuck off. its shit.



sorry for all the disgusting language in this post. couldn't think of any other words.

constantly loading my ears with( right now) ....

breathe - telepopmusik
french electro. sxiasfck.need i say more. played in the most perfect scene in french film 'the beat that my heart skipped'






Austere - the joy formidable
only recently got really into this band. this track is the one i constantly play




flavor - girls in hawaii
totally intense and sxi. found this in french film Dans Paris. also wonderfully placed in the perfect scene. makes me want to be anna in the scene dancing with a bare upper body. so grungey and just urggh

lustin afta

ryan hogan, good tattoos, tckt for arcade fire at manchester M.E.N, tckt for the drums at leeds MET, jumpsuit from boohoo.com, fresh roses for my room + mum, boots from boohoo.com